"Friends" and Freedom

Last night Friends was on the TV while I was cleaning up before bed, and it was the episode where Ross and Rachel go on their first real date - the one where they ended up at the planetarium.  Every time I see this episode I am transported back to my freshman year of college, when a popular thing to do was to go to the planetarium to see laser light shows set to Alt-Rock music.  Ahhh.... the 90's....

One Friday night, my friend Shannon drug me to one of these shows with a couple of her friends.  Unfortunately, I didn't yet know I was a migraine sufferer, so I had no idea that the combination of dancing lights and Nirvana would make my head feel like it was going to explode.  After the show, the others wanted to go to a party and at this point, a smart girl like me would have just gone home right?  Oh no... this was college!  I was supposed to be out having fun!

The party, of course, was miserable.  Loud, obnoxious people and folding chairs are most definitely not a good antidote to a migraine.  The real high point of the party was when some drunken guy informed me that I would look a lot happier with a drink in my hand *insert eye roll here*.  But after the party we walked a few blocks to a park (the one at 27th and Randolph for you Lincolnites), and hung out at the playground.  Swinging away, I was able to finally relax and let go of the tension of the night.

So why is this particular night, so many years ago, still so vivid in my mind?  I think because it is one of the first times I really felt like an outsider, unable to fit in where I was "supposed" to fit.  It was college!  Wasn't I supposed to be out there doing things like we did that night?   Every so often, through my twenties especially, that "I'm not doing life right" feeling reared it's ugly head again.  Sometimes it would seem like other people were having all these fun experiences that somehow I was missing out on even though I was attending the same events.

I could blame it on being an introvert, but that's another topic. Over time I realized it was more about just learning to be comfortable in my own skin, with who God created me to be. Too often I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying to meet all of their expectations. I know this is something many of us struggle with, there are so many voices in our heads... family, friends, bosses, fellow Christ-followers. I am just so amazed and thankful that the Lord has brought me through experiences that have taught me to seek what He expects of me, rather than letting those voices eat away at my confidence. He is the Source of confidence, of personality, of talents, and of true freedom.

Psalm 139:13-16 says it beautifully...

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

Today I am praising God for creating me exactly how He wants me, and how that gives me the freedom to serve Him with the gifts He has given me!

Autumn

Out driving around in the gloomy, drizzly, foggy day
Drinking in the beauty of the autumn trees 

Not the same brilliant beauty they radiate with the backdrop of a crisp blue sky, 

But a different beauty, more morose, more reflective

As if they know this is their last chance to show their glory for the year  

The beauty itself is a harbinger of the season to come with all it's delights

Chilly nights curled up in sweaters and blankets

In front of a blazing fire

With a loved one, a book, a cup of hot chocolate or spiced cider

 Feeling cozy, enveloped in comfort, warmth, and blessings

  Thinking, maybe dreaming, about the Holiday Season

The brilliance of the first snow

The spices in the air and on our tongues

Thanksgiving, Christmas

Gatherings of beloved family and friends

 The reflections of a year ending

 The promise of a new one to begin 

Maybe that's a lot to ascribe to the beauty of a tree

but every year this is what autumn means to me

You Make Everything Lovely

That was my Dove promise tonight.  It made me smile as I thought about how that is something I strive for every day.  To make my surroundings lovely, to have lovely experiences, to see the loveliness in my world.  Lovely is one of my favorite words to use when I find something beautiful.. relaxing.. encouraging.. peaceful.. wonderful..  I love things that excite the senses... sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures... lovely things!  And I hope I really do give some of that loveliness back to my little corner of the world.  I hope I have a lovely attitude towards life and other people, though sometimes I know I don't. Even so, I hope that, in some small way, I make life lovely for those around me.  

Leaving my Past in the Behind (or something like that)

Ok, so the quote is actually "Pumbaa: It's times like this my buddy Timon here says: you got to put your behind in your past. 
Timon: No, no, no. Amateur. Lie down before you hurt yourself. It's "You got to put your past behind you."  ~from The Lion King  , but I obviously remembered it a bit differently.


I am deep in the middle of completely resetting my life, in basically every way... from my career, to a possible move, to the current complete reorganization of my current living space. This weekend's project was switching my closet around from my Spring/Summer wardrobe to my Fall/Winter one. Yay fall!!

One thing I nearly always do during this seasonal switch is clean out things I no longer wear and either give them to Goodwill if they are nice, tear them up as rags if they are cotton and already ripped or torn, or possibly throw them away if they are completely unusable (this is a rare option for me, usually only reserved for items like shoes which are completely worn out). I actually find great joy in this twice-yearly ritual. I love being able to give things away which I no longer need and someone else might.

Oddly though, the last couple of years I have found that it was harder to give things away... for a variety of reasons maybe, but I think a big one was my lack of funds to buy new things to replace them. I'm not lamenting my lack of shopping but I found something odd (for me) happening during this time; unprecedented bouts of nostalgia. Over and over I kept seeing clothes and shoes that I no longer wear but simply could not find it in me to part with due to the memories and feelings they evoked when I looked at them... parts of my life I enjoyed remembering and, in a vague way, almost wished I could go back to. No, I do not want to go back, I too highly value the lessons I've learned and how I am much more comfortable with myself than I was even a few years ago. However, I love the memories, and do not want to lose them.

What I have now realized is that I can have the best of both worlds! I can take pictures of these treasured items and then give them away! I am incredibly excited about this, partly because of the space I will have in my closet, but also I think because it is part of letting go of my past and moving forward to a future which I am very excited about. Whole new worlds truly are opening up to me, things I never thought I could do or be are becoming realities, and I know that I cannot go where I want if I'm weighted down by the past.

Faith and Politics

I read an article yesterday about how many young people are leaving the church because of political views, and while this is not good, I can actually understand it.  I've been thinking a lot recently about the relationship between faith and politics in America, and while our beliefs should definitely shape our political views, it often seems the reverse is true, and our political ideals shape how we see Jesus and what His church should look like and act like.

Why do I do it?

Why is the urge to not accept good so strong? Silly little example, but so indicative of what I do all the time... last night as I got into bed it was like laying inside a cloud. The sheets were soft and the bed and pillow were perfectly supportive. And yet the urge to roll over onto my other side was so strong I could hardly resist.  Why? When I was perfectly positioned and incredibly comfortable? Why couldn't I just fall asleep in such bliss? Why did I feel the need to ruin it? Such self-sabotage is a very small thing, but I know I do it on a larger scale all the time. Why is so hard for some of us to believe that we really can have good?

Savoring the Moment

A few days ago I had a bit of an epiphany.  I had spent the day running around - cleaning, errands, workout... By the time I hit the shower that evening I was exhausted.  I was hot, sweaty, grimy, and basically too tired to even want to shower.  But soon the warm water and steam were changing my mind. I looked at all the products I use every day, barely noticing them... coconut shampoo, honey and almond conditioner, grapefruit and ginger body wash, olive body butter... it was like a spa at the beach! I took time to really savor each scent, to imagine that the warm water cascading over me was really a waterfall on a desert island.  It was the most relaxing ten minutes I've spent in a long time.   And I wondered.. how often do I ignore the blessings of each moment because I'm rushing through them?  I'm sure glad I didn't miss that amazing blessing, that wonderful, stress-busting moment!

Stepping up on the Soapbox for a minute

I have to share the experience I had at SuperTarget the other day, where I couldn't help but notice what the the girl in front of me in the checkout line was buying.  She looked to be in her mid-twenties and seemed fairly athletic.  The items I noticed her buying were:

"wheat" bread (not whole wheat, but that stuff that's basically white bread)
Pop-tarts
iceberg lettuce
Crystal Light
Bud-Light
peanut butter
tortilla chips

What bothered me about her choices was that they really are a product of our society and it's messed-up priorities.  There will be "health experts" out there who would applaud her for buying the Crystal Light because it is low-calorie, despite the fact that there are serious concerns about the effects sugar substitutes can have on our bodies (anything from headaches and stomach upset to leading to actually eating more sugar because your body is now primed for sweets).  Strike One.

Next I thought about how the only item in that list with *any* nutritional value was the peanut butter and even that was highly processed Jif and not even the natural kind.  Everything outside the lettuce and beer is highly processed, robbing whatever nutritional value might have originally been in the actual food (wheat, peanuts, corn) they started with.  So what exactly is the point of eating "food" that isn't really nourishing your body? Strike Two.

Then it occurred to me that when that young lady inevitably becomes ill because she hasn't actually fed her body anything it needs to function properly, she will go to our "health care" system which will give her drugs which will mask her symptoms but not actually solve her underlying issues.  Strike Three.

I think we're out...

A New Start

A few days ago a friend posted a facebook about how hitting a reset button was so simple and yet it was all the difference between darkness and light.  And that describes my life perfectly right now.  For the last six years I was in a job that made me absolutely miserable (not to mention I didn't have any vacations that were more than a long weekend).

Two months ago I resigned from that job, and my last day was June 29th.  I am so very thankful not to be working in politics anymore!!  I took a week completely off and I did not go anywhere, but I rested.. I read, I watched movies, I cooked yummy healthy meals, I worked out, I spent time just letting myself refresh, recharge, rejuvenate, reset.  And it might just have been the loveliest week of my life.  I feel like me again.  I began to feel creative again.  I began to feel free and whole.

Most importantly, I spent a lot of time with the Lord - praying, reading my Bible, reading devotionals, and reading a lovely book called Walking on Water, by Madeline L'Engle.  It is a book about being an artist, her meditations on art and faith. This is a necessary book for me to read right now as I have spent twenty years denying that I am first and foremost, artistic. Way back in college I decided that I needed to be practical and pursuing a creative degree was just not practical. Law was practical and so I went to law school, making the biggest mistake of my life.  You cannot deny your very nature for twenty years and expect to live your life fully.

It is no wonder that by the last couple of years I was truly miserable, depressed, stressed out all the time, not quite fully alive.  I need to pursue a creative life!  And so here I go! Completely reset and ready to embark on a brand new chapter!

Book Review - The Sherlockian, by Graham Moore

I chose to read this book because I love Sherlock Holmes and this was a story about a fellow fan who gets caught up in playing detective in a murder mystery.  The twist is that there are actually two storylines, the primary, set in 2010, and a secondary storyline revolving around Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself, set in 1900.  The premise is pretty cool, but the execution was sloppy.  The author chose to float back and forth between the two timelines with alternating chapters and it was very difficult to get into the flow of either one.

I also did not appreciate some of the language - it was quite disrespectful to women (and I know he meant it for shock value to accentuate one of his plotlines), but it was jarring and distracting and distasteful.  But my biggest problem with the book was how the author chose to end the Doyle storyline... and I won't reveal any details but this probably deserves a *spoiler alert* anyway.  So, here goes...  I feel that with historical fiction any author has a delicate line to walk when they choose to write about a real person.  The path Mr. Moore took with Mr. Doyle was difficult to read and I think if I was one of his descendants I might be pretty upset with the light in which his character was painted.

I can't say I would recommend this book to anyone.

Lessons from Tragedy

On Friday June 1, there was a terrible accident in my hometown... two coaches lost, several players injured...the story has been all over the news.  It hit me hard as I knew one of the coaches, Zane Harvey.  Sadly I didn't know him that well but what I did know I always admired.  He went to my home church and though he was quiet he always seemed like a rock... solid, sturdy, stable.  And with a real faith, the kind that is lived out day by day, moment by moment, decision by decision.  An intelligent, caring, faithful person.

From what I've read, what other people have said about him, I can tell my opinions of him were not wrong, he was all of those things.  And it's made me think a lot about what people might say of me...what kind of life am I leading?  What kind of legacy will I leave behind?  Am I faithful?

The suddenness of the accident is overwhelming.  Zane was my age, and this matters because I have always been the person who thinks I have plenty of time to do this or that.  I'll get around to it...someday.  Where I am is fine for now because things will change for the better ... someday.  And in some ways that attitude is good, but in other ways it can be a cop-out, a reason not to seize every moment, every opportunity.  And I don't want to live that way.

This isn't a sudden realization exactly but in thinking about Zane's life I am spurred to action.  I want to be a faithful follower of Christ and I don't want to be limited by my circumstances. Sometimes I feel that as a single woman I am somehow less able to serve Christ because I am not a wife and mother.  That calling is a good one, a high and holy calling... however... Paul noted that even good things can be a distraction to our focus on our Lord if we let them be (1 Cor. 7:32-35).  Paul extolled the virtue of being single because it allows for single-minded devotion to Christ, and I saw Zane exemplify that in his life.  As a single man he was able to give unselfishly and untiringly to his ministries and service - teaching, coaching, FCA, church. He was devoted.

And so I am inspired by a life cut too short from my viewpoint here on earth.  I realize anew that we have no idea when the Lord will choose to take us home.  I could have one more minute or fifty more years but it doesn't matter, I can choose to make the most of every moment I have left.

Pumpkin Chip Cookies

This one was also from last fall :)

I am not usually a fan of pumpkin and chocolate together, but a friend asked if I would make some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  I looked up a few recipes, and, of course, made a few modifications of my own ;)  

They actually turned out quite tasty!  This recipe is a "half" recipe which made 2 1/2 dozen cookies, but if you'd like to use the whole can of pumpkin, go ahead and double everything!  Please also note that I never measure spices (or most other ingredients when I cook) so when I write out a recipe, I am generally approximating. 

Pumpkin Chip Cookies

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter

½ cup sugar

1 egg

½ 15 oz. can pumpkin

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. nutmeg

1/8 tsp. mace

1/8 tsp. ground cloves

½ tsp. baking powder

¼ tsp. baking soda

1 1/8 cup flour

1 cup semi-sweet chips

1/2 cup white chips

1/2 cup walnuts

Melt butter and mix in sugar.  Then mix in the egg, pumpkin, and vanilla.  

Add dry ingredients - flour, soda, salt, baking powder, and spices (mixed separately or not, your choice).  Mix in the chips and walnuts.

Drop by teaspoonful on greased cookie sheet.  If using parchment paper (which I recommend), spray it lightly.

Bake at 375 for 15 minutes.  Cookies will be firm to the touch, and slightly browning at the edges. 

Baked Ratatouille

Baked Ratatouille - from October of 2011


This is something I've wanted to try for a long time.  And late this summer I had an abundance of veggies so....

It was actually quite simple, especially if you don't mind lots of chopping veggies!

Ratatouille

Large eggplant

Zucchini (thinly sliced)

Yellow squash - sliced

Tomato - sliced

Green pepper – sliced or chopped

Onion – sliced or chopped

Minced garlic

Basil (I used fresh)

Thyme

Parmesan cheese (or Parmesan-Romano blend)

Salt & pepper

Sautee sliced eggplant in olive oil & salt till soft

Place in bottom of 13x9 pan sprayed with olive oil

Sprinkle with parmesan & basil

Layer of zucchini sprinkled with salt, pepper, & parmesan

Layer of yellow squash

More parmesan

Minced garlic, onion, thyme

Green pepper

Tomato

More parmesan, pepper, and basil if desired

Bake at 350 for about 45 minutes

Recipes!

I'm adding a new section!  Food!  The first few posts are imports from a food blog I was doing... but I'd rather have it all in one place! :)

Book Review - "Death Comes to Pemberly" by P.D. James

I love Jane Austen, her books are so fantastic.  She was such a student of human nature. I love to read her books, her descriptions of her characters...so many times I find myself thinking "I *know* that guy!"  And I get so attached to the people she portrays.  Of course it doesn't hurt that I've seen the Pride & Prejudice miniseries about a hundred times ;)

Recently I have also enjoyed reading some of the "sequels" to her books that modern authors have written, such as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith (a very fun little book)  I also enjoyed Old Friends and New Fancies, where the author tied up all the loose ends characters (the ones left single in Austen's books).

The latest to come along is Death Comes to Pemberly by P.D. James.  I admit I thought it would be more of a murder mystery than it was.  It was actually more of a legal drama, and a good one.  I really enjoyed the walk through the legal process of the time period.  And there was a bit of mystery there, you don't know till the end who actually did the deed and why.  I appreciated that she gave us all the clues though (as opposed to some mystery writers who save many clues until the big reveal).  I also enjoyed that often she used actual quotes from Pride and Prejudice - she did a great job of keeping the character of the characters.  The book had a bit of a slow start, but once the action got going, I couldn't put it down. 

If you're an Austen fan, this one's a must-read!

Thought of the Day

I think I'm going to do more "little" posts.  Thoughts of the day type posts.  Some serious, some maybe not so much.  So here's the first!

Last night I was having trouble getting my laptop to connect to the internet.  Netflix was playing just fine on the TV so I knew it was something with the laptop, not the internet.  I kept trying to fix it, doing this and that, all the while thinking that I could just go spend some time reading my Bible and praying, and then I could check back later.  And all of a sudden it hit me how often I do that with everything.  Any problem I have, I try so hard to fix it instead of spending time in prayer, and turning my issue over to God.  I always want to try this one more thing, and then that one more thing, and maybe if I just try once more... I know I'll get it solved!  I'm not in any way saying we shouldn't try, that we should never do anything, but shouldn't the first response be to pray?  Isn't that the best use of time?  How much time have I wasted by not just giving my problems to the Lord?  I believe I would have much less frustration if I prayed first, then worked!

Pretty Snow

We had some gorgeous snow this past weekend!  The first big storm of a very mild winter.  The picture above was taken late Saturday morning during a short break in the storm.

The following four were Saturday night after the snow had stopped.  I loved how the lights were hitting the trees!

Sunday morning I took a short walk around the complex.  It was so beautiful...a bright blue sky, crisp air, the snow and ice crunching under my feet as I walked...lovely! 

These next three were taken with my phone... not bad! 

Music to Worship By

Tonight I was listening to classical piano music as I had my quiet time with the Lord.  I do this often as I have noisy neighbors and it helps me block out their TV's and video games and focus my mind.  As I began to read (Psalm 78), the song playing was Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.  The cadence of the sonata fit so well with the cadence of the Psalm and I began to think about how so many psalms were the worship songs of the day. And I felt a stirring in my heart... the words seemed even more moving with the music behind them.

I know right now I could share my thoughts on modern Christian Music, and believe me, I have my opinions, but tonight... I'd rather be lost in the beauty of worshiping the Lord in song and thinking of how it connects all of God's people through time.  How did it feel to the Israelites to sing these songs we see printed in our Bibles?  How did David feel when he composed them?  How did he feel when he danced before the Lord?  I know that tonight my heart was soaring as I read about the many times God rescued His people, and sinking as I read of their lack of faith in Him... their testings and trials and exiles, and then at peace while pondering how He saved them, and us, all undeserving and yet so loved.

Listening to or playing the Moonlight Sonata is a frequent occurrence in my home.  I love that song and there is just something so soothing about it, it always calms my heart and mind, whether I am stressed out or anxious or sad... but now it will have even more meaning for me.  From tonight forward, when I hear or play it, it will remind me to think on the Lord's deliverance and delight in the One who created Song.

And sometimes, you just need a nap

Last week was a rough week physically.  It was the first week of Session so it was crazy-busy (not a bad thing) but when you're fighting a migraine, it's grueling.  I did well keeping the pain mostly at bay and staying pretty focused through the week (praising God for friends who were praying for me!), but by Thursday night, I was crashing.  I fell asleep right after supper, I just couldn't keep my eyes open, even though I knew there were so many things to do.  Friday I was exhausted but by the Grace of the Lord I was able to get everything done at work and even managed to do some cleaning at home (much, much needed lol.)

Saturday I awoke to a lot of pain... pushing so hard during the week finally caught up and I spent a lot of the day feeling guilty I wasn't getting more done.  But you know, it finally hit me that sometimes you just need to rest.  And why is that so hard to do?  Is it an American thing?  To feel like if you're not doing something productive every minute of every day you're lazy?

Didn't God command us to rest by giving us the Sabbath?  "Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God.  On it you shall not do any work."  ~Deuteronomy 5:12-14

So I rested.  And you know what?  Everything that needed to be done this weekend is done!  God provided abundantly, as He is so good to do!

At the end of the day

At the end of the day, it's over.

This morning I was preparing for what I knew was going to be a crazy-busy day.  And I was mostly dreading it.  I felt like there was way too much to do and way too little time to do it in.  As I was doing my hair and make-up I was already dreaming of what it would be like to be back home, curled up under my Snuggie, reading or playing on the internet.  I couldn't wait till the end of the day, for the day to be over.

And then suddenly that thought running through my head took on a whole new meaning.  At the end of the day, the day is over.  Done.  No going back.  Only forward from here.

How many days have I wished away?
How many days have I wished to have back?

It was more than a bit of a wake-up call, and before I'd even had my coffee!

Live each moment.  Even the bad ones.  Or the stressful ones.  Or the annoying, frustrating ones.  The moments  - even the ones where I drop my mascara wand into the litter box - are life.  And I don't want to miss any of them.

Especially since I seem to be one of those people who just have really random things happen to them on a regular basis... like the time I got out of my car in the parking lot at work to find a driverless SUV rolling straight past me.

Or the time that my Mom was catching mice with a live trap and one of them got its tail caught as it was flipped into the box.  We - Mom, Dad, and I went to spring it loose and the mouse, making the most of the opportunity, took a flying leap out of the box - straight at me.  Being startled, I caught the mouse, who promptly bit me, causing me to fling it into the air.  It nicely flew right over my Dad's shoulder, and hitting the ground, it took off running.  Eventually we did catch the traumatized mouse and the poor thing was released into the wild.

And I don't want to take those experiences for granted.  I am blessed by them, because they still make me laugh when they cross my mind.

"The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone and we fly away. ... So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  ~Psalm 90:10, 12

I am realizing more and more the meaning of those verses.  Learning to number each day, rather than wishing for the next moment.

It's all about the timing

I have a cat.  

A beautiful, cuddly, sweet, loving, and sometimes kinda frustrating cat.  

I adopted her in 2003 and I'm not exactly sure of her age but she's at least 11.  And recently my girl has developed arthritis. So every day I give her about a tablespoon of wet food with her Cosequin (like Glucosamine, only for cats) mixed in.  Mocha has always eaten dry food, and has never really liked the wet kind, so finding a flavor she'll eat (and I can stand the smell of) has been it's own adventure, but once we did... she loves it.  She loves it so much that nearly every time I go into the kitchen to make a meal, grab a snack, or even sometimes just to get some water, she sits at my feet, looking up at me expectantly.

"Is it time? Is it time? Is it time?"  She knows what she wants so badly, but I know she can only have it once a day, and that I need to give it to her around the same time every day.  She just knows she wants the treat!

So often as I watch her watching what I'm doing and I'm trying to get her to go do something else because I know it's not time yet, I can't help but think about God's timing.  How many times have I sat expectantly at His feet, begging for something I want so badly, thinking that it has to be time for my treat.  And yet He knows when to give me exactly what I need.

And I wonder... when I'm begging, and He knows why there is delay but I don't... does it break His heart a little, like it kinda breaks mine not to give Mocha what I know she longs for?  He knows what's best for me, just like I know what's best for her (at least in this instance), but it's still hard for me to wait till the proper time.  Is it hard for God not to give us the things we are begging Him for, even when He knows that giving them to us would do us more harm than good?

I do know that He desires to give us good gifts, and He wants us to ask Him for them (Matt. 7:7-11).  So I think I'll just keep sitting there at his feet, expectantly, and learn to trust that in time, He will give me exactly what's best for me.

The First Day

I realized this morning that today is...
the first day of the week
the first day of the month
the first day of the year

Or a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year!

That's a lot of newness
A lot of reason to begin again
A lot of ways to experience God's promise that His Mercies are new every morning.

I'm not a person who makes New Year's Resolutions, I usually think that it's better to make changes all year as needed.
 

but this year... all the "news", all the "firsts" today made me think about all the ways I'd like my life to change this year.  And I'm excited.  I think it's going to be a great year!