Goals

Nope, not a list.
Rather a meditation on progress.

I don't make New Years' Resolutions.  I always feel like if you want to change something about yourself, or in your life, it can (and should) be done when you realize it, or are ready.  Why wait until January 1?  (Bonus, if your resolution is to go to the gym more you won't have to deal with the January crowds!)

But at the end of last year, I found myself at a crossroads of sorts.  Feeling like I was nowhere near where I wanted to be in my life in many areas.  So during January I made a wish list.  And I realized that most of the list items were actually goals which I could work towards.  (Yay, hard work on the horizon!)  And so I began to make some changes, some big, and some not-so-big.

It is now September.  And I have spent most of my year frustrated.  The biggest change I made turned out to be a bit of a nightmare (housemates will save you money but not necessarily your sanity).  And I have felt either stalled out, or even going backwards, in the march towards meeting my goals.  It's been a rough road, with lots of pain and tears.  Physical setbacks (chronic pain issues rearing their ugly heads), as well as mental/emotional struggles.

I have found myself working through strongholds of pain, of depression, of fear.  I have prayed more deeply and let go of more (you know,"Let go and let God") than I ever thought I possibly could. Some days I needed His strength just to shower.  I have cried.  A lot.  (And for those of you who know me well, you know I hated that most of all.  I hate crying.) I have wanted to give up so often.

And then, all of a sudden I feel like a fog is lifted.  I have energy to fight, I have more clarity of purpose.  And I understand that all those goals I set are worthy things to strive for.  But maybe the Journey really is what is important.  (Cliche, I know.) But, like so many others, I struggle with "I'll be happy if..." Syndrome.  "Things will be good when..."

It's a lie.  Maybe the biggest one out there.  Because there will be new bars to set.  New goals to achieve.  And we will never be happy.  We will be always striving, never thriving.  We are great at being survivors, but do we ever live?  These are questions I have wrestled with this summer.

I want to LIVE.

I am not throwing my goals out the window.  What I am throwing out is the belief that I'm not worthy of good things until I "get my act together".  No one ever really has it all together (even if on Social Media we want everyone to believe we do).  I have not been blogging because I keep thinking "Who am I to share my thoughts when my life is such a mess?" But maybe that's exactly when I should share my thoughts.  To remind myself and others that we are not alone, that no one has a "Facebook perfect" life.

I'm going to live my messy, not Pinterest-worthy, but still beautiful, wonderful life.

So here's to life!  My Labor Day toast ;)

Faith & Blessing

I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between faith and blessing.  More specifically, I've been thinking about how God wants to bless me.  I'm using the first person here because I tend to always struggle a little in believing that things actually apply to me... but don't mistake my meaning.  I absolutely don't think that any of this applies only to me.

That said, what I've been learning is to believe that God does, in fact, want to bless me.  This does not mean that I think He is some "magic blessing machine". No disrespect to Joel Osteen, but I do not subscribe to his 'prosperity gospel'.  I believe that God's blessings have nothing to do with my faith, or my obedience to His Word.  I believe they are entirely due to His Love, His Mercy, His Grace, His Compassion, and His Abundance.  

I am learning that He longs to bless me, and it won't always look how I think it will.  I have a friend who always used to say "I want what I want, how I want it, and when I want it."  I think we all can relate to that!  But God has been showing me what "enough" means, and what it means is that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.  Because He sees what I don't.  

And so I am learning to trust.  And I am learning the true connection between faith and obedience and blessing.  I don't obey to earn His favor, because I cannot earn His favor.  It is His free gift.  

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  

~ Eph. 2:8-9 (ESV).  

I am learning the meaning of Philippians 4:11-13  

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

And I am learning why I want to have faith, obey, and praise God for what He does.  It is because those things are vitally important for my relationship with Christ.  This is the most important relationship in my life and always will be.  For eternity!   

I am also learning that sometimes God does not give me His blessings until I am ready to receive them. This is also not an excuse to think I've somehow "earned" them, because He has been the one preparing me!  He prepares me because of His Goodness, and His Faithfulness to keep His promises!  I obviously will never be like Abraham, but I do believe I am learning the Truth of Romans 4:20-21

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." 

This is a statement of faith which I need to share.  To give Glory to God that He has been teaching me to be fully convinced He is able to do exactly what He has promised!

"Friends" and Freedom

Last night Friends was on the TV while I was cleaning up before bed, and it was the episode where Ross and Rachel go on their first real date - the one where they ended up at the planetarium.  Every time I see this episode I am transported back to my freshman year of college, when a popular thing to do was to go to the planetarium to see laser light shows set to Alt-Rock music.  Ahhh.... the 90's....

One Friday night, my friend Shannon drug me to one of these shows with a couple of her friends.  Unfortunately, I didn't yet know I was a migraine sufferer, so I had no idea that the combination of dancing lights and Nirvana would make my head feel like it was going to explode.  After the show, the others wanted to go to a party and at this point, a smart girl like me would have just gone home right?  Oh no... this was college!  I was supposed to be out having fun!

The party, of course, was miserable.  Loud, obnoxious people and folding chairs are most definitely not a good antidote to a migraine.  The real high point of the party was when some drunken guy informed me that I would look a lot happier with a drink in my hand *insert eye roll here*.  But after the party we walked a few blocks to a park (the one at 27th and Randolph for you Lincolnites), and hung out at the playground.  Swinging away, I was able to finally relax and let go of the tension of the night.

So why is this particular night, so many years ago, still so vivid in my mind?  I think because it is one of the first times I really felt like an outsider, unable to fit in where I was "supposed" to fit.  It was college!  Wasn't I supposed to be out there doing things like we did that night?   Every so often, through my twenties especially, that "I'm not doing life right" feeling reared it's ugly head again.  Sometimes it would seem like other people were having all these fun experiences that somehow I was missing out on even though I was attending the same events.

I could blame it on being an introvert, but that's another topic. Over time I realized it was more about just learning to be comfortable in my own skin, with who God created me to be. Too often I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying to meet all of their expectations. I know this is something many of us struggle with, there are so many voices in our heads... family, friends, bosses, fellow Christ-followers. I am just so amazed and thankful that the Lord has brought me through experiences that have taught me to seek what He expects of me, rather than letting those voices eat away at my confidence. He is the Source of confidence, of personality, of talents, and of true freedom.

Psalm 139:13-16 says it beautifully...

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

Today I am praising God for creating me exactly how He wants me, and how that gives me the freedom to serve Him with the gifts He has given me!

Lessons from Tragedy

On Friday June 1, there was a terrible accident in my hometown... two coaches lost, several players injured...the story has been all over the news.  It hit me hard as I knew one of the coaches, Zane Harvey.  Sadly I didn't know him that well but what I did know I always admired.  He went to my home church and though he was quiet he always seemed like a rock... solid, sturdy, stable.  And with a real faith, the kind that is lived out day by day, moment by moment, decision by decision.  An intelligent, caring, faithful person.

From what I've read, what other people have said about him, I can tell my opinions of him were not wrong, he was all of those things.  And it's made me think a lot about what people might say of me...what kind of life am I leading?  What kind of legacy will I leave behind?  Am I faithful?

The suddenness of the accident is overwhelming.  Zane was my age, and this matters because I have always been the person who thinks I have plenty of time to do this or that.  I'll get around to it...someday.  Where I am is fine for now because things will change for the better ... someday.  And in some ways that attitude is good, but in other ways it can be a cop-out, a reason not to seize every moment, every opportunity.  And I don't want to live that way.

This isn't a sudden realization exactly but in thinking about Zane's life I am spurred to action.  I want to be a faithful follower of Christ and I don't want to be limited by my circumstances. Sometimes I feel that as a single woman I am somehow less able to serve Christ because I am not a wife and mother.  That calling is a good one, a high and holy calling... however... Paul noted that even good things can be a distraction to our focus on our Lord if we let them be (1 Cor. 7:32-35).  Paul extolled the virtue of being single because it allows for single-minded devotion to Christ, and I saw Zane exemplify that in his life.  As a single man he was able to give unselfishly and untiringly to his ministries and service - teaching, coaching, FCA, church. He was devoted.

And so I am inspired by a life cut too short from my viewpoint here on earth.  I realize anew that we have no idea when the Lord will choose to take us home.  I could have one more minute or fifty more years but it doesn't matter, I can choose to make the most of every moment I have left.

And sometimes, you just need a nap

Last week was a rough week physically.  It was the first week of Session so it was crazy-busy (not a bad thing) but when you're fighting a migraine, it's grueling.  I did well keeping the pain mostly at bay and staying pretty focused through the week (praising God for friends who were praying for me!), but by Thursday night, I was crashing.  I fell asleep right after supper, I just couldn't keep my eyes open, even though I knew there were so many things to do.  Friday I was exhausted but by the Grace of the Lord I was able to get everything done at work and even managed to do some cleaning at home (much, much needed lol.)

Saturday I awoke to a lot of pain... pushing so hard during the week finally caught up and I spent a lot of the day feeling guilty I wasn't getting more done.  But you know, it finally hit me that sometimes you just need to rest.  And why is that so hard to do?  Is it an American thing?  To feel like if you're not doing something productive every minute of every day you're lazy?

Didn't God command us to rest by giving us the Sabbath?  "Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God.  On it you shall not do any work."  ~Deuteronomy 5:12-14

So I rested.  And you know what?  Everything that needed to be done this weekend is done!  God provided abundantly, as He is so good to do!

At the end of the day

At the end of the day, it's over.

This morning I was preparing for what I knew was going to be a crazy-busy day.  And I was mostly dreading it.  I felt like there was way too much to do and way too little time to do it in.  As I was doing my hair and make-up I was already dreaming of what it would be like to be back home, curled up under my Snuggie, reading or playing on the internet.  I couldn't wait till the end of the day, for the day to be over.

And then suddenly that thought running through my head took on a whole new meaning.  At the end of the day, the day is over.  Done.  No going back.  Only forward from here.

How many days have I wished away?
How many days have I wished to have back?

It was more than a bit of a wake-up call, and before I'd even had my coffee!

Live each moment.  Even the bad ones.  Or the stressful ones.  Or the annoying, frustrating ones.  The moments  - even the ones where I drop my mascara wand into the litter box - are life.  And I don't want to miss any of them.

Especially since I seem to be one of those people who just have really random things happen to them on a regular basis... like the time I got out of my car in the parking lot at work to find a driverless SUV rolling straight past me.

Or the time that my Mom was catching mice with a live trap and one of them got its tail caught as it was flipped into the box.  We - Mom, Dad, and I went to spring it loose and the mouse, making the most of the opportunity, took a flying leap out of the box - straight at me.  Being startled, I caught the mouse, who promptly bit me, causing me to fling it into the air.  It nicely flew right over my Dad's shoulder, and hitting the ground, it took off running.  Eventually we did catch the traumatized mouse and the poor thing was released into the wild.

And I don't want to take those experiences for granted.  I am blessed by them, because they still make me laugh when they cross my mind.

"The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone and we fly away. ... So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  ~Psalm 90:10, 12

I am realizing more and more the meaning of those verses.  Learning to number each day, rather than wishing for the next moment.

It's all about the timing

I have a cat.  

A beautiful, cuddly, sweet, loving, and sometimes kinda frustrating cat.  

I adopted her in 2003 and I'm not exactly sure of her age but she's at least 11.  And recently my girl has developed arthritis. So every day I give her about a tablespoon of wet food with her Cosequin (like Glucosamine, only for cats) mixed in.  Mocha has always eaten dry food, and has never really liked the wet kind, so finding a flavor she'll eat (and I can stand the smell of) has been it's own adventure, but once we did... she loves it.  She loves it so much that nearly every time I go into the kitchen to make a meal, grab a snack, or even sometimes just to get some water, she sits at my feet, looking up at me expectantly.

"Is it time? Is it time? Is it time?"  She knows what she wants so badly, but I know she can only have it once a day, and that I need to give it to her around the same time every day.  She just knows she wants the treat!

So often as I watch her watching what I'm doing and I'm trying to get her to go do something else because I know it's not time yet, I can't help but think about God's timing.  How many times have I sat expectantly at His feet, begging for something I want so badly, thinking that it has to be time for my treat.  And yet He knows when to give me exactly what I need.

And I wonder... when I'm begging, and He knows why there is delay but I don't... does it break His heart a little, like it kinda breaks mine not to give Mocha what I know she longs for?  He knows what's best for me, just like I know what's best for her (at least in this instance), but it's still hard for me to wait till the proper time.  Is it hard for God not to give us the things we are begging Him for, even when He knows that giving them to us would do us more harm than good?

I do know that He desires to give us good gifts, and He wants us to ask Him for them (Matt. 7:7-11).  So I think I'll just keep sitting there at his feet, expectantly, and learn to trust that in time, He will give me exactly what's best for me.

Of Migraines and Malaise

Tonight I am doing something different, posting even when I feel like there is not much to say.  I had a terrible migraine today so I wasn't "out and about" and observing things.  So often at the end of migraine days I'm just kinda depressed.  Besides my body being in pain and fatigued, my brain usually just feels so fuzzy, like I can't put even one thought together in a coherent manner.

But I'm tired of being limited by this condition.  I read a quote the other day, I believe by one of the Nebraska Volleyball players... she said someone once told her not to be limited by what you can't do, but rather to focus on what you can do.  (That's not an exact quote obviously.)  That struck me so powerfully - having had chronic pain issues for most of my adult life, I had begun to be bogged down by it, feeling sorta useless.  Which, as anyone who has been through chronic pain issues can understand.  It wears on you, exhausts you... so many days you are simply surviving, trying to just make it through the things that absolutely *must* be done each day.  Forget the fun or "extra" stuff.  

So now I think it's time to remember the things I am good at, the things I can do.  One thing that has been great about this Christmas Season is that it has sparked my creative side again - making crafty gifts for friends and family.  And the amazing thing is that while I've been painting and crocheting, I have forgotten the pain for hours at a time!  It's been amazing!   I realize now that I need to keep a creative outlet, one that engages my mind and my hands.  And crocheting is incredibly relaxing.  Although... it is a cozy activity, something I will not want to do in the summer months (as I know from experience, I've been crocheting for years now), so it will be fun to find a new hobby when spring hits :)

I also can say that I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful chiropractor.

And now for tonight's fun Christmas song.  One of my very favorites!

Promises, Promises

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
   it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay."

                                ~Habakkuk 2:3


I have always loved this verse.  It reminds me of God's Sovereignty.  His timing, not mine.  When something I want, have wanted for a long time, seems so far out of reach, it is a great comfort.  God does not delay.   

Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 12-21) ~ Twenty-five years they waited for Isaac.  At one point they (quite understandably in human terms) gave up.  They thought God delayed and so took matters into their own hands...resulting in great disaster - many centuries of war between Ishmael's descendants and Isaac's.  And yet, God was still faithful to His promise of an heir from Sarah's long barren womb.  They are an example of a specific vision, a specific promise fulfilled after a long wait.  

David is another (1 Samuel 16-31) ~  He was anointed King of Israel, and yet spent years hiding in caves, on the run from Saul, the current King, not yet dethroned.  But his time came.  

Think of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) ~ a childhood dream of ruling over his brothers - delayed by years in slavery, in prison, in a foreign country - unbelievably came true!  God used Joseph to save an entire nation and only those years of hardship and waiting prepared him for what was to come.

And most of us will not rule kingdoms but does that mean that God does not still give us specific visions?  Specific promises He will fulfill in individual lives?  Specific calls to future ministries or missions?  Desires placed deep within our hearts that only He can fulfill?  I believe so.  I believe with all my heart that God still uses the delayed fulfillment of His promises to us to do amazing work in us.  
 
How spoiled would we be if everything came to us immediately?  How would we grow in patience? In faith?  In discipline?  In joy?  Can the joy of an immediate fulfillment ever even begin to compare to the joy of a blessing long awaited?  Could we possibly know God nearly as well if He immediately gave us every whim of our heart? 
  
It was approximately ten years ago that God led me to the verse in Habakkuk, His comfort to my heart and mind for a blessing already long-awaited.  A blessing I still long for.  And yet...would I be happier if God had already answered yes to my desperate pleas?  Would I know God better?  Only He knows the answer and I trust His Wisdom, His Sovereignty, His ability to see so many things that I cannot.  I do know that if God chooses to grant that particular desire of my heart, I will be much better prepared for it now than I was then.  And either way, I can be thankful that right now I am held in His arms ~ truly the only place to be.