A Ridiculous Election!

What's on my mind? A lot. I have had a lot of interesting, eye-opening, frustrating conversations this weekend. And most of them have brought me right back to what I have been mulling over for quite some time.

A while ago I read a book called "Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream." by David Platt. It was something I had already been thinking about - how somehow Christianity had become so entwined with Conservatism and the Republican Party.

And this election cycle.. all it's ugliness... and deep divides. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to get our attention. Trying to call us back, away from AmeriChristianity. Away from the Idols we have made of comfort and security and prosperity and even freedom.

It feels like somewhere along the line "God and Country" got out of order. We began to want God to fit The American Ideal, rather than us trying to live His way. He calls us to put nothing above Him, we want Him to Make America Great.

He asks us to take care of the widows and orphans, and He goes out of His way to command that women and foreigners be treated with a higher respect than the culture of the time. We think women are nothing more than sex objects and foreigners will destroy our country.

He calls men to a higher standard, we twist ourselves into pretzels to insist that, despite all evidence to the contrary, men who brag about their lies and sexual assaults and racism are still "good men".

We sacrifice millions of children to the god of convenience and, despite all biological evidence, insist that the woman is just exercising control over her own body, not killing a child.

We laugh at the poor and weak and mentally ill. We call them lazy and stupid and insist that they need to just "get a job" rather than showing compassion.

We turn a blind eye to pornography and how it has changed an entire generation's view of sex and their bodies.

We cannot handle it when someone disagrees with us and we call it "persecution" or "_____phobia"

The list seems endless. No one is immune.

I am not immune. I fear Donald Trump and the damage he can do to our nation, mostly in terms of relations with other countries and his potential to actually start a war. I do not want Hilary Clinton to be President either - let me be clear on that, since it seems that people assume if you don't like one, you must love the other.

But my point is this - maybe as Christians we should be Thankful that we have no good options for President. Maybe we should be Thankful we are forced to re-evaluate some of our opinions, some of our fears, some of our thoughts on where our security comes from.

God is still on His Throne.
God is moving mightily in countries where actual persecution is taking place and has taken place for centuries.
Why are we special?
Why should we not suffer with and for our brothers and sisters here and around the globe?

I am letting this convict me, letting go of my fear, and praying for a revival. Anyone with me?

A heartbreaking week.

(Originally posted on my facebook page.)

I have been struggling with what to say the last couple days. I'm heartbroken and weary. Weary of fear and fearmongering. Weary of hate and ignorance and violence. Weary that skin color still divides us. What on earth does skin color matter? Why does it have the power to divide us? Aren't we all American?
We grow up watching the same TV shows, loving ice cream and pie and pizza and video games. We should all live in the same country. And yet we don't.

I watch my loved ones of color fight so hard for things white folk take for granted. Always wondering if the rude sales clerk is racist or just having a bad day. Always having to be 'on point' 'representing well', while worrying they could be the next one to have a traffic stop end in tragedy. I weep that people hate you and are afraid of you.

And my loved ones who are first responders. I respect the hell out of you. Your job is so hard. And so dangerous on the best of days. I weep that people hate you and are afraid of you.

When will this end? When will we rise as a nation and say ENOUGH.
I will choose not to fear.
I will choose to see you as a person, a whole person, not just your skin color or uniform.
I will ask questions when I don't understand.
I will not assume anything based on a stereotype.
I will take back what really made America Great. Our diversity. Our courage. Our exploratory spirit.

Let's do better. 💕

Changes

I have had this blog for several years now and not done much with it.  I guess I'm not sure what I want it to be exactly.  I always feel like if I put anything out there for the world to see it has to be all impressive.  Or whatever.  So I think of ideas of things I want to write about.  And they sit there because I don't really have the time I want to give them.  Or the energy some days.  I have been fighting with some chronic knee and back pain this year.  And some days, even with painkillers, even with a brace, even with occasional use of a walking stick (yeah it was that bad), some days I just had no energy.  And when you have no energy you have no creativity.  Ask any artist/writer/other creative type.

And right now I am a frustrated writer.  With several books in progress, one even kinda close to being done, but having some writer's block.  Every time I sit to write lately I just want to beat my head against a wall.  So I'm here.  Hoping maybe this will unblock my headspace.  My knee is mostly better.  Yay!  I feel like now I have more normal 40something aches and pains rather than feeling like an invalid.  And I am thankful.  And still stuck.

Or rather rambling here.  Hoping that no one will actually read this.  Or maybe I don't care anymore.  Maybe that's Why I get so stuck.  Because I don't really feel free to let my words run free.  I'm always just waiting to be judged.  But I wanna be brave.  (Sing it Sara Bareilles https://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4 !)

Anyway.  I think I finally know what I want this blog to be.  My space to rant, vent, muse, or whatever.  I may put more poems up.  I may review books/movies/TV shows.  And I know I will probably never go viral or gain a big following.  And you know what?  That's ok.  I just want to feel like I can say what I wanna say and let the words fall out...

Good Friday Meditation

It's a beautiful day in Lincoln. A little breezy, but 60 and Sunny! A lovely Spring day. The kind of day to get out and play in, to celebrate light and life. Not the kind of day to think dark thoughts, or to celebrate darkness.

And yet.

Today is Good Friday. The day Christ-followers do exactly that - Remember the darkness. The darkest of days in all of History, the day God chose to die. And suffer, suffer terribly. His was not a quick death. He was tortured. Beaten, for hours. Mocked. Questioned. Ridiculed.They took His clothes. They placed a crown of thorns on His head.  They made Him carry the wood for the Cross -the method of His execution. They put nails through His hands, His feet.

I can hardly bear to write this. I hate thinking of it. I hate reading about it. I am too empathetic a person, I cannot think about pain on this level. I am a puddle of tears.

But this isn't about me. Except it is. It's about all of us. He didn't go through all that for Himself.

I think about His loved ones. There. Watching. Waiting. Peter's denial and how much he must have hated himself. Jesus' Mother, his friends, his family. How could you stand to watch your loved one be humiliated and broken?

And there's more. They believed in Him. He was the Messiah! A King! Their Savior! They thought it meant politics, that He was to shake off the shackles of Roman Rule and re-establish Israel as the Theocracy it rightfully was.

And yet.

There he was. Dying on a Cross. Like a common criminal. So much for hope. The Darkness which covered the land must have matched the Darkness which flooded their souls.

And then He died. And they didn't know that wasn't the end. They didn't know what Sunday would mean. That He would rise from the Dead. But even that wasn't all. He didn't just rise Himself. He wasn't so limited in Power.

His Resurrection meant All Death was Conquered. Forever.

All Sin, taken into Himself on the Cross. Conquered. Forever.

Satan and all his minions. Conquered. Forever.

And that Messiah thing?  Freedom from shackles?  So much bigger than Rome. It's for all of us. FREE. Forever. Free from the power of sin over us. Free to LIVE as He meant us to live. In Fellowship with Him and each other.

I am Thankful.  I am unworthy, but I am Loved.  And I am FREE.


To anyone who reads this - If for you today isn't a beautiful day. If life is dark, even if it feels like it's been Friday for years... Sunday is coming. We can choose Life and Freedom. He paid the Price so we don't have to.

*Biblical References: Luke 22-24, John 3:16, Ephesians 2:1-10, Romans 8:31-39, 1 Peter 1:3

All Things New

Yesterday began 2016. A New Year. And so of course, everywhere you looked people were posting things about Newness, Fresh Starts, New You's, Letting Go of the Old and Embracing The New. We can't help it. A New Year feels like a fresh start. December is lovely, but Dark. The days shortening until a full half of the day is night. And Busy. We blink at Thanksgiving and somehow find ourselves transported through a foggy whirlwind of decorations, parties, shopping, food-making, and obligations to Christmas. The next week we are in a daze. How did we get here? How did I eat so much? How is it that another year is already over? How did I not accomplish anything I had planned on doing? Again?

This is why I'm not big on Resolutions. I always feel that if I think of a goal I'd like to accomplish, I should start on it, not wait for The Perfect Time. Good in theory, but I'm bad at it in practice. I suffer from that certain form of procrastination, you know the one that seductively lies to you and tells you that everything has to be "just so" in order to get started on something. Or finish something you've already started after you've been off-task for a while. If the timing isn't right, if conditions aren't perfect, if I only have five minutes instead of the hour I wanted... well, can't work on that right now.

Lies.

So here's my goal. Not my resolution. Just a goal I happened to come up with at this time of year because a couple of weeks ago I was doing my annual end-of-the-year mopey pondering and beating myself up. Regretting all the things I failed to do. Again.

The goal:  STOP IT ALREADY! Just do it! Even if I only do it for five minutes. Go to bed every day wrecked because I fought hard all day to accomplish my goals. It doesn't matter what they are, if I care enough to set them, they matter enough to fight for! No excuses. Play dirty if that's what it takes! (Against my fears and bad habits.)

And this is where we circle back round to the New Year, New Things, thing. I don't think it's possible to accomplish that goal without fully letting go of any regrets over past mistakes. Learning from the past is good, dwelling on it is crippling.

And in that spirit - two Bible verses I claim for this point in my life.

"Thus says the Lord . . .    

18 

'Remember not the former things,

    nor consider the things of old.

19 

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

    and rivers in the desert.'"

~ Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19

But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 

I press on toward the goal. 

~Philippians 3:13-14

Here's to Fighting for a Wonderful 2016!

Thread

Today I Feel

Like I am Hanging

By a Thread

But that Thread

Was Made by God

It will not Break

He

Will Not Let Go

So I am Safe

Goals

Nope, not a list.
Rather a meditation on progress.

I don't make New Years' Resolutions.  I always feel like if you want to change something about yourself, or in your life, it can (and should) be done when you realize it, or are ready.  Why wait until January 1?  (Bonus, if your resolution is to go to the gym more you won't have to deal with the January crowds!)

But at the end of last year, I found myself at a crossroads of sorts.  Feeling like I was nowhere near where I wanted to be in my life in many areas.  So during January I made a wish list.  And I realized that most of the list items were actually goals which I could work towards.  (Yay, hard work on the horizon!)  And so I began to make some changes, some big, and some not-so-big.

It is now September.  And I have spent most of my year frustrated.  The biggest change I made turned out to be a bit of a nightmare (housemates will save you money but not necessarily your sanity).  And I have felt either stalled out, or even going backwards, in the march towards meeting my goals.  It's been a rough road, with lots of pain and tears.  Physical setbacks (chronic pain issues rearing their ugly heads), as well as mental/emotional struggles.

I have found myself working through strongholds of pain, of depression, of fear.  I have prayed more deeply and let go of more (you know,"Let go and let God") than I ever thought I possibly could. Some days I needed His strength just to shower.  I have cried.  A lot.  (And for those of you who know me well, you know I hated that most of all.  I hate crying.) I have wanted to give up so often.

And then, all of a sudden I feel like a fog is lifted.  I have energy to fight, I have more clarity of purpose.  And I understand that all those goals I set are worthy things to strive for.  But maybe the Journey really is what is important.  (Cliche, I know.) But, like so many others, I struggle with "I'll be happy if..." Syndrome.  "Things will be good when..."

It's a lie.  Maybe the biggest one out there.  Because there will be new bars to set.  New goals to achieve.  And we will never be happy.  We will be always striving, never thriving.  We are great at being survivors, but do we ever live?  These are questions I have wrestled with this summer.

I want to LIVE.

I am not throwing my goals out the window.  What I am throwing out is the belief that I'm not worthy of good things until I "get my act together".  No one ever really has it all together (even if on Social Media we want everyone to believe we do).  I have not been blogging because I keep thinking "Who am I to share my thoughts when my life is such a mess?" But maybe that's exactly when I should share my thoughts.  To remind myself and others that we are not alone, that no one has a "Facebook perfect" life.

I'm going to live my messy, not Pinterest-worthy, but still beautiful, wonderful life.

So here's to life!  My Labor Day toast ;)

Faith & Blessing

I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between faith and blessing.  More specifically, I've been thinking about how God wants to bless me.  I'm using the first person here because I tend to always struggle a little in believing that things actually apply to me... but don't mistake my meaning.  I absolutely don't think that any of this applies only to me.

That said, what I've been learning is to believe that God does, in fact, want to bless me.  This does not mean that I think He is some "magic blessing machine". No disrespect to Joel Osteen, but I do not subscribe to his 'prosperity gospel'.  I believe that God's blessings have nothing to do with my faith, or my obedience to His Word.  I believe they are entirely due to His Love, His Mercy, His Grace, His Compassion, and His Abundance.  

I am learning that He longs to bless me, and it won't always look how I think it will.  I have a friend who always used to say "I want what I want, how I want it, and when I want it."  I think we all can relate to that!  But God has been showing me what "enough" means, and what it means is that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.  Because He sees what I don't.  

And so I am learning to trust.  And I am learning the true connection between faith and obedience and blessing.  I don't obey to earn His favor, because I cannot earn His favor.  It is His free gift.  

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  

~ Eph. 2:8-9 (ESV).  

I am learning the meaning of Philippians 4:11-13  

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

And I am learning why I want to have faith, obey, and praise God for what He does.  It is because those things are vitally important for my relationship with Christ.  This is the most important relationship in my life and always will be.  For eternity!   

I am also learning that sometimes God does not give me His blessings until I am ready to receive them. This is also not an excuse to think I've somehow "earned" them, because He has been the one preparing me!  He prepares me because of His Goodness, and His Faithfulness to keep His promises!  I obviously will never be like Abraham, but I do believe I am learning the Truth of Romans 4:20-21

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." 

This is a statement of faith which I need to share.  To give Glory to God that He has been teaching me to be fully convinced He is able to do exactly what He has promised!

Heart-Melting

This picture truly hits my heart today as my 14-year-old kitty has been ill the last couple of weeks.  Thankfully it has been with "minor" health issues but it's so hard to watch her not feel well and not be able to do much to help.

I learned that when a cat has a "cold" they often don't eat. Apparently if a cat cannot smell the food, it doesn't exist, even if she is looking right at it!  It helps to try really smelly food, and at one point I was hand-feeding her tuna!  But she is on the mend and I am thankful!

My sweetie!

Spring

It's Spring!  A time of joy and excitement and newness!  When many people seem to be so full of energy, brimming over with plans for projects and activities, and filled with desire to be outside!  Trees are blooming (quite late this year), the grass is green and the sounds of mowers are filling the air again, along with the smells of bar-be-ques.  Proms, graduations, bike rides, picnics, golf, baseball, sand volleyball... and soon there will be swimming and the ice cream truck making it's rounds... Summer is coming, and then Autumn again, and Winter... a wonderful, never-ending cycle.  Sun, Rain, Blooming Flowers, Green Grass, Thunderstorms, Blistering Heat, Crisp Air, Falling Leaves, Snow, Wind, Bitter Cold... I can't imagine living where there are no Seasons.

Daily Giggle

Today's Adorable

Face-plant Awesomeness

Daily Adorableness

I love pugs!

Time

Ticking like a clock. 
Or a bomb... 
Waiting to explode. 
Can I get there fast enough to disarm it? 
No.  Rushing makes it worse.
Must be patient, steady, precise. 
Can't get distratcted. 
Can't get nervous. 
Don't Panic. Don't Panic. 
Breathe. Breathe. 
Done. Crisis over. Again. 
Why do I panic? 
Time is not my enemy. 
Time is a friend, with surprises in hand. 
Great adventures, loving smiles. 
Bad experiences, some, but good too. 
Relaxing, fun, enriching. 
Allows me to... 
Grow, learn, see. 
Do, think, be. 
A great moment, a momentous event! 
And time stands still. 
Not even the clock ticks. 
Breathe. Breathe.
Time.

What goes around...

It seems these days that a trip to Target invariably means running into numerous college girls wearing leggings as pants (usually with short tops).  I was in college the first time this "fashion" was popular.  So, apparently we're up to the 90's in retro fashion, which makes sense as styles cycle about every twenty years or so.  I always find it interesting that young women seem to want to wear clothes so similar to the ones their mothers wore when they were young women (in order to assert their individual styles of course). Styles which their mothers were wearing around the time they were born.  Styles which would have made a huge imprint on their minds during their formative years.

And the hilarious part is that they never understand the connection they are so unwittingly making.  I remember being very in love with hip-hugging wide leg jeans, with peasant blouses, with scarves and leather necklaces and general hippie-chick chic.  I also remember my Mom laughing at me and asking if I wanted any of her old clothes.  I wonder if the mothers of these young women are digging in the backs of their closets for their old leggings, off-the-shoulder sweaters, leg warmers, and neon anything; thinking about how cool we used to think we were and how since then, we have come to see those styles as utterly ridiculous.

But I don't have any daughters, so I am just left shaking my head and giggling to myself in Target, exerting every ounce of energy I have to restrain myself from walking up to these girls, so proudly wearing their non-pants, and telling them that in a few years they will wonder what on earth they were thinking.

hmmm

Have been under the weather the past couple days, down with a sinus infection.  So plans to blog daily are on hold while I recuperate.

Resolutions

After my big declaration about faithful posting yesterday, I feel I cannot, by silence today, go back on my resolution so quickly. However, I also find I have nothing in particular to say.  So I think that occasionally I will share a quote or two that speak to me.  Today I found several lovely and encouraging quotes. Here are a couple!

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through was a longing. … For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."  
~ C.S. Lewis

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order for things to occur to you, to let your mind think."
~ Mortimer J. Alder

A New Year

So, I have decided that I will blog most days, even if it's just a random thought.  And here's today's...  Though sometimes I am vocal in my opinions, often I hold back.  Maybe I'm afraid of offending someone, somewhere, or sometimes I feel like my thoughts are still unformed, not processed enough, or not polished enough.  Like if my opinion isn't "perfect" it shouldn't be shared. But sometimes sharing invites feedback which shapes, sharpens, and makes more substantial those somewhat unformed opinions. So this year I am sharing my thoughts, imperfect though they may be.  I will never be intentionally hurtful, that is not who I am, but I may occasionally be offensive or annoying to you if you don't agree with me, and that's ok.  Not everyone will always agree on every point.  I value feedback but please be respectful.

Here's to 2013!

"Friends" and Freedom

Last night Friends was on the TV while I was cleaning up before bed, and it was the episode where Ross and Rachel go on their first real date - the one where they ended up at the planetarium.  Every time I see this episode I am transported back to my freshman year of college, when a popular thing to do was to go to the planetarium to see laser light shows set to Alt-Rock music.  Ahhh.... the 90's....

One Friday night, my friend Shannon drug me to one of these shows with a couple of her friends.  Unfortunately, I didn't yet know I was a migraine sufferer, so I had no idea that the combination of dancing lights and Nirvana would make my head feel like it was going to explode.  After the show, the others wanted to go to a party and at this point, a smart girl like me would have just gone home right?  Oh no... this was college!  I was supposed to be out having fun!

The party, of course, was miserable.  Loud, obnoxious people and folding chairs are most definitely not a good antidote to a migraine.  The real high point of the party was when some drunken guy informed me that I would look a lot happier with a drink in my hand *insert eye roll here*.  But after the party we walked a few blocks to a park (the one at 27th and Randolph for you Lincolnites), and hung out at the playground.  Swinging away, I was able to finally relax and let go of the tension of the night.

So why is this particular night, so many years ago, still so vivid in my mind?  I think because it is one of the first times I really felt like an outsider, unable to fit in where I was "supposed" to fit.  It was college!  Wasn't I supposed to be out there doing things like we did that night?   Every so often, through my twenties especially, that "I'm not doing life right" feeling reared it's ugly head again.  Sometimes it would seem like other people were having all these fun experiences that somehow I was missing out on even though I was attending the same events.

I could blame it on being an introvert, but that's another topic. Over time I realized it was more about just learning to be comfortable in my own skin, with who God created me to be. Too often I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying to meet all of their expectations. I know this is something many of us struggle with, there are so many voices in our heads... family, friends, bosses, fellow Christ-followers. I am just so amazed and thankful that the Lord has brought me through experiences that have taught me to seek what He expects of me, rather than letting those voices eat away at my confidence. He is the Source of confidence, of personality, of talents, and of true freedom.

Psalm 139:13-16 says it beautifully...

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

Today I am praising God for creating me exactly how He wants me, and how that gives me the freedom to serve Him with the gifts He has given me!

Autumn

Out driving around in the gloomy, drizzly, foggy day
Drinking in the beauty of the autumn trees 

Not the same brilliant beauty they radiate with the backdrop of a crisp blue sky, 

But a different beauty, more morose, more reflective

As if they know this is their last chance to show their glory for the year  

The beauty itself is a harbinger of the season to come with all it's delights

Chilly nights curled up in sweaters and blankets

In front of a blazing fire

With a loved one, a book, a cup of hot chocolate or spiced cider

 Feeling cozy, enveloped in comfort, warmth, and blessings

  Thinking, maybe dreaming, about the Holiday Season

The brilliance of the first snow

The spices in the air and on our tongues

Thanksgiving, Christmas

Gatherings of beloved family and friends

 The reflections of a year ending

 The promise of a new one to begin 

Maybe that's a lot to ascribe to the beauty of a tree

but every year this is what autumn means to me