"Friends" and Freedom

Last night Friends was on the TV while I was cleaning up before bed, and it was the episode where Ross and Rachel go on their first real date - the one where they ended up at the planetarium.  Every time I see this episode I am transported back to my freshman year of college, when a popular thing to do was to go to the planetarium to see laser light shows set to Alt-Rock music.  Ahhh.... the 90's....

One Friday night, my friend Shannon drug me to one of these shows with a couple of her friends.  Unfortunately, I didn't yet know I was a migraine sufferer, so I had no idea that the combination of dancing lights and Nirvana would make my head feel like it was going to explode.  After the show, the others wanted to go to a party and at this point, a smart girl like me would have just gone home right?  Oh no... this was college!  I was supposed to be out having fun!

The party, of course, was miserable.  Loud, obnoxious people and folding chairs are most definitely not a good antidote to a migraine.  The real high point of the party was when some drunken guy informed me that I would look a lot happier with a drink in my hand *insert eye roll here*.  But after the party we walked a few blocks to a park (the one at 27th and Randolph for you Lincolnites), and hung out at the playground.  Swinging away, I was able to finally relax and let go of the tension of the night.

So why is this particular night, so many years ago, still so vivid in my mind?  I think because it is one of the first times I really felt like an outsider, unable to fit in where I was "supposed" to fit.  It was college!  Wasn't I supposed to be out there doing things like we did that night?   Every so often, through my twenties especially, that "I'm not doing life right" feeling reared it's ugly head again.  Sometimes it would seem like other people were having all these fun experiences that somehow I was missing out on even though I was attending the same events.

I could blame it on being an introvert, but that's another topic. Over time I realized it was more about just learning to be comfortable in my own skin, with who God created me to be. Too often I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying to meet all of their expectations. I know this is something many of us struggle with, there are so many voices in our heads... family, friends, bosses, fellow Christ-followers. I am just so amazed and thankful that the Lord has brought me through experiences that have taught me to seek what He expects of me, rather than letting those voices eat away at my confidence. He is the Source of confidence, of personality, of talents, and of true freedom.

Psalm 139:13-16 says it beautifully...

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

Today I am praising God for creating me exactly how He wants me, and how that gives me the freedom to serve Him with the gifts He has given me!

Autumn

Out driving around in the gloomy, drizzly, foggy day
Drinking in the beauty of the autumn trees 

Not the same brilliant beauty they radiate with the backdrop of a crisp blue sky, 

But a different beauty, more morose, more reflective

As if they know this is their last chance to show their glory for the year  

The beauty itself is a harbinger of the season to come with all it's delights

Chilly nights curled up in sweaters and blankets

In front of a blazing fire

With a loved one, a book, a cup of hot chocolate or spiced cider

 Feeling cozy, enveloped in comfort, warmth, and blessings

  Thinking, maybe dreaming, about the Holiday Season

The brilliance of the first snow

The spices in the air and on our tongues

Thanksgiving, Christmas

Gatherings of beloved family and friends

 The reflections of a year ending

 The promise of a new one to begin 

Maybe that's a lot to ascribe to the beauty of a tree

but every year this is what autumn means to me

You Make Everything Lovely

That was my Dove promise tonight.  It made me smile as I thought about how that is something I strive for every day.  To make my surroundings lovely, to have lovely experiences, to see the loveliness in my world.  Lovely is one of my favorite words to use when I find something beautiful.. relaxing.. encouraging.. peaceful.. wonderful..  I love things that excite the senses... sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures... lovely things!  And I hope I really do give some of that loveliness back to my little corner of the world.  I hope I have a lovely attitude towards life and other people, though sometimes I know I don't. Even so, I hope that, in some small way, I make life lovely for those around me.  

Leaving my Past in the Behind (or something like that)

Ok, so the quote is actually "Pumbaa: It's times like this my buddy Timon here says: you got to put your behind in your past. 
Timon: No, no, no. Amateur. Lie down before you hurt yourself. It's "You got to put your past behind you."  ~from The Lion King  , but I obviously remembered it a bit differently.


I am deep in the middle of completely resetting my life, in basically every way... from my career, to a possible move, to the current complete reorganization of my current living space. This weekend's project was switching my closet around from my Spring/Summer wardrobe to my Fall/Winter one. Yay fall!!

One thing I nearly always do during this seasonal switch is clean out things I no longer wear and either give them to Goodwill if they are nice, tear them up as rags if they are cotton and already ripped or torn, or possibly throw them away if they are completely unusable (this is a rare option for me, usually only reserved for items like shoes which are completely worn out). I actually find great joy in this twice-yearly ritual. I love being able to give things away which I no longer need and someone else might.

Oddly though, the last couple of years I have found that it was harder to give things away... for a variety of reasons maybe, but I think a big one was my lack of funds to buy new things to replace them. I'm not lamenting my lack of shopping but I found something odd (for me) happening during this time; unprecedented bouts of nostalgia. Over and over I kept seeing clothes and shoes that I no longer wear but simply could not find it in me to part with due to the memories and feelings they evoked when I looked at them... parts of my life I enjoyed remembering and, in a vague way, almost wished I could go back to. No, I do not want to go back, I too highly value the lessons I've learned and how I am much more comfortable with myself than I was even a few years ago. However, I love the memories, and do not want to lose them.

What I have now realized is that I can have the best of both worlds! I can take pictures of these treasured items and then give them away! I am incredibly excited about this, partly because of the space I will have in my closet, but also I think because it is part of letting go of my past and moving forward to a future which I am very excited about. Whole new worlds truly are opening up to me, things I never thought I could do or be are becoming realities, and I know that I cannot go where I want if I'm weighted down by the past.

Faith and Politics

I read an article yesterday about how many young people are leaving the church because of political views, and while this is not good, I can actually understand it.  I've been thinking a lot recently about the relationship between faith and politics in America, and while our beliefs should definitely shape our political views, it often seems the reverse is true, and our political ideals shape how we see Jesus and what His church should look like and act like.