Of Migraines and Malaise

Tonight I am doing something different, posting even when I feel like there is not much to say.  I had a terrible migraine today so I wasn't "out and about" and observing things.  So often at the end of migraine days I'm just kinda depressed.  Besides my body being in pain and fatigued, my brain usually just feels so fuzzy, like I can't put even one thought together in a coherent manner.

But I'm tired of being limited by this condition.  I read a quote the other day, I believe by one of the Nebraska Volleyball players... she said someone once told her not to be limited by what you can't do, but rather to focus on what you can do.  (That's not an exact quote obviously.)  That struck me so powerfully - having had chronic pain issues for most of my adult life, I had begun to be bogged down by it, feeling sorta useless.  Which, as anyone who has been through chronic pain issues can understand.  It wears on you, exhausts you... so many days you are simply surviving, trying to just make it through the things that absolutely *must* be done each day.  Forget the fun or "extra" stuff.  

So now I think it's time to remember the things I am good at, the things I can do.  One thing that has been great about this Christmas Season is that it has sparked my creative side again - making crafty gifts for friends and family.  And the amazing thing is that while I've been painting and crocheting, I have forgotten the pain for hours at a time!  It's been amazing!   I realize now that I need to keep a creative outlet, one that engages my mind and my hands.  And crocheting is incredibly relaxing.  Although... it is a cozy activity, something I will not want to do in the summer months (as I know from experience, I've been crocheting for years now), so it will be fun to find a new hobby when spring hits :)

I also can say that I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful chiropractor.

And now for tonight's fun Christmas song.  One of my very favorites!

The Not-So-Cold December Rain

It is raining.  On December 13th.  What an odd experience to be listening to the rain while all around me are Christmas decorations lighting up the room.  While I was driving home earlier, I noticed how the green of the traffic lights and the red of brake lights were reflecting on the wet pavement, creating a very Christmasy feeling in me.  Something I have had a difficult time mustering up this year.  We had an absolutely beautiful autumn here in Nebraska, with temperatures in the sixties and seventies even on Thanksgiving Day and beyond.  Beautiful, but not exactly inspiring of a Christmas Spirit.  And then, the first Saturday in December... snow!  A softly falling, all day long kind of snow, the kind that leaves a gorgeous winter wonderland in it's wake.  Finally!  Time to take down the scarecrows and sunflowers (ok, I leave some sunflowers up all year... I just love them!)  and put up the tree, and the stockings, and the snowmen, and the lights.... lovely.  And yet, even after watching several of my favorite Christmas movies these past couple of weeks, it still just doesn't "feel" like Christmas.

But what *should* Christmas feel like anyway?

I suspect it's not what the barrage of commercials and holiday specials tell us.  And I think it changes depending on what stage of life we're in.  I remember as a kid being so excited I couldn't sleep, wondering what was under the tree for me, and whether Santa had come.  Then in college and after it was about family and traditions... Christmas Eve service, dinner and games, then watching The Muppet Christmas Carol.  And my mother's wonderful imagination, creating a treasure hunt for us every Christmas Day.

And now, December seems more... reflective ... to me.  Less unbridled excitement.  More busyness.  Less angst.  More peace.  And still... the part of me that will always feel like a child.  The part that grins from ear to ear when I hear the Grinch song, or I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas.

And part of me will always be a slightly rebellious young adult, reflected in my love for the rocking Christmas Eve Sarejevo 12/24 but Transiberian Orchestra.  And on the happy note of that song, I will end this post.  :D

Random Tuesday Night Thoughts

Lately I have been absolutely loving this song




And towards the end of that video, it reminded me of this one



which was one of my very favorite songs back in college.  Apparently I liked the whole Steampunk vibe even then lol.  There is something just really fascinating about the idea of future and past meeting and blending in cool ways.  Like the new Sherlock Holmes movies.  Or the (sadly) short-lived Bruce Campbell series The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

I think that like these songs, those ideas don't move just me.  They're popular because they move something basic in us.  A longing for adventure, for stirring emotion, for excitement, for creativity, and new ideas.  The past meets the future and it is sublime - everything maybe our present is not.

How often do we not live in the present?  We are stuck in the past...tied to guilt or the consequences of our poor choices, or others' poor choices which affected us.  Or we are looking to the future, thinking that things will all get better "someday", or focusing so much on achieving our goals that we don't stop to "smell the roses".

I've done both, and plenty of it!  But I've been thinking so much lately about living in the moment, appreciating each experience I'm being blessed with (whether it feels like a blessing at the time or not).  If I'm constantly beating myself up about my past or living in the future in my mind, what am I missing right now? 

But what if I feel like I've messed things up beyond repair?  This has been my struggle for the past several months... evaluating the choices I've made... what could have/should I have done differently?  Where would I be if I had done X instead of Y?  Would I necessarily be happier or better off? 

And then, the earth-shattering revelation...What if right now I'm exactly where I need to be? What if all those "mistakes" got me to deal with old hurts that were still haunting me?  What if without those trials I wouldn't be who I am now?  What if I would still be stuck in old patterns that were sucking my very life away?  What if now really is the perfect time?  The time of Healing, the time of New, the time of God doing Amazing things in my life!

This last video sums it up perfectly.  My favorite song for a couple years now... every time I hear it, it moves me.  I would encourage you to really listen to the words. 



It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right, what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will, or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

Time to face up, clean this old house, time to breathe in and let everything out
I believe You're up to something bigger than me
It feels like chaos but now I can see!
Something Heavenly

What if right now, right where I am, is truly something Heavenly?  I'm giving in!

Promises, Promises

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
   it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay."

                                ~Habakkuk 2:3


I have always loved this verse.  It reminds me of God's Sovereignty.  His timing, not mine.  When something I want, have wanted for a long time, seems so far out of reach, it is a great comfort.  God does not delay.   

Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 12-21) ~ Twenty-five years they waited for Isaac.  At one point they (quite understandably in human terms) gave up.  They thought God delayed and so took matters into their own hands...resulting in great disaster - many centuries of war between Ishmael's descendants and Isaac's.  And yet, God was still faithful to His promise of an heir from Sarah's long barren womb.  They are an example of a specific vision, a specific promise fulfilled after a long wait.  

David is another (1 Samuel 16-31) ~  He was anointed King of Israel, and yet spent years hiding in caves, on the run from Saul, the current King, not yet dethroned.  But his time came.  

Think of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) ~ a childhood dream of ruling over his brothers - delayed by years in slavery, in prison, in a foreign country - unbelievably came true!  God used Joseph to save an entire nation and only those years of hardship and waiting prepared him for what was to come.

And most of us will not rule kingdoms but does that mean that God does not still give us specific visions?  Specific promises He will fulfill in individual lives?  Specific calls to future ministries or missions?  Desires placed deep within our hearts that only He can fulfill?  I believe so.  I believe with all my heart that God still uses the delayed fulfillment of His promises to us to do amazing work in us.  
 
How spoiled would we be if everything came to us immediately?  How would we grow in patience? In faith?  In discipline?  In joy?  Can the joy of an immediate fulfillment ever even begin to compare to the joy of a blessing long awaited?  Could we possibly know God nearly as well if He immediately gave us every whim of our heart? 
  
It was approximately ten years ago that God led me to the verse in Habakkuk, His comfort to my heart and mind for a blessing already long-awaited.  A blessing I still long for.  And yet...would I be happier if God had already answered yes to my desperate pleas?  Would I know God better?  Only He knows the answer and I trust His Wisdom, His Sovereignty, His ability to see so many things that I cannot.  I do know that if God chooses to grant that particular desire of my heart, I will be much better prepared for it now than I was then.  And either way, I can be thankful that right now I am held in His arms ~ truly the only place to be.  

Be Still

"Be still and know that I am God"  ~ Psalm 46:10

God has been speaking this verse, this idea, to me in many ways these last few weeks.  Today it came through a devotional I read daily ~ "Streams in the Desert" by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman.  Compiled and written by her nearly a century ago, a book of collected poems, hymns, sermons...wonderful devotional.  But I digress.  The point today is to learn to be still enough to hear God speak.

Today's devotion was from A.B. Simpson, meditating on Job 4:16 "there was silence, then I heard a voice"  Pastor Simpson talked about his experience of learning to ignore everything that clamored for his attention, inside and out, and to finally hear the Lord.

He said he read a booklet called "True Peace" and into my head came the image of Jesus calming the wind and stilling the waves of the sea in the midst of a frightening storm, bringing peace to the sea and to His terrified disciples.  Jesus said Be Still, and there was Peace.

Can we have peace without stillness?  I don't believe Jesus will always calm our storms, but He can give us amazing peace right there, while everything rages around us.  Sometimes, when I am in the middle of a stressful situation, I see myself standing there while everything flies around me, the wind even catching my hair, but never harming me.  I am perfectly still as everything swirls chaotically and yet nothing touches me.  I am in the center of the storm, where it is calm and there is blue sky above.

I wish I could say that I always live in that peace, but I believe God has given me that image to comfort me in difficult times.  He is the God of all comfort after all.  (2 Cor. 1:3)

And I know that when I am not there, it is because I am rushing about, worrying, trying to fix what I, or others, have broken.  And often I find I have just made things worse because I have tried to do things in my own way rather than seeking God's guidance and direction. 

But when I am still enough to listen, God speaks, and then there is peace.

Two blogs I'll forget to update

I have decided to start another blog because it will be a bit different.  It's going to mostly be about food - a hobby of mine.  But there will likely be some other stuff thrown in.  As anyone who knows me is well aware, I have an obsession, er, hobby of trying new things.  So this new blog will be about things I find, or make up, and try.  I'm excited!  find me at http://tjsrecipesandreviews.blogspot.com/

Bad blogger :P

I have had so much going through my mind the last couple weeks but have been way too busy to process it all out.  Topics include forgiveness, relationships, faithfulness, busyness, and the state of the Church in America.  So!  Things to come! :)

Also, moving offices this week really wore me out.  Darnit all, I'm getting older and I don't like it ;)