Goals

Nope, not a list.
Rather a meditation on progress.

I don't make New Years' Resolutions.  I always feel like if you want to change something about yourself, or in your life, it can (and should) be done when you realize it, or are ready.  Why wait until January 1?  (Bonus, if your resolution is to go to the gym more you won't have to deal with the January crowds!)

But at the end of last year, I found myself at a crossroads of sorts.  Feeling like I was nowhere near where I wanted to be in my life in many areas.  So during January I made a wish list.  And I realized that most of the list items were actually goals which I could work towards.  (Yay, hard work on the horizon!)  And so I began to make some changes, some big, and some not-so-big.

It is now September.  And I have spent most of my year frustrated.  The biggest change I made turned out to be a bit of a nightmare (housemates will save you money but not necessarily your sanity).  And I have felt either stalled out, or even going backwards, in the march towards meeting my goals.  It's been a rough road, with lots of pain and tears.  Physical setbacks (chronic pain issues rearing their ugly heads), as well as mental/emotional struggles.

I have found myself working through strongholds of pain, of depression, of fear.  I have prayed more deeply and let go of more (you know,"Let go and let God") than I ever thought I possibly could. Some days I needed His strength just to shower.  I have cried.  A lot.  (And for those of you who know me well, you know I hated that most of all.  I hate crying.) I have wanted to give up so often.

And then, all of a sudden I feel like a fog is lifted.  I have energy to fight, I have more clarity of purpose.  And I understand that all those goals I set are worthy things to strive for.  But maybe the Journey really is what is important.  (Cliche, I know.) But, like so many others, I struggle with "I'll be happy if..." Syndrome.  "Things will be good when..."

It's a lie.  Maybe the biggest one out there.  Because there will be new bars to set.  New goals to achieve.  And we will never be happy.  We will be always striving, never thriving.  We are great at being survivors, but do we ever live?  These are questions I have wrestled with this summer.

I want to LIVE.

I am not throwing my goals out the window.  What I am throwing out is the belief that I'm not worthy of good things until I "get my act together".  No one ever really has it all together (even if on Social Media we want everyone to believe we do).  I have not been blogging because I keep thinking "Who am I to share my thoughts when my life is such a mess?" But maybe that's exactly when I should share my thoughts.  To remind myself and others that we are not alone, that no one has a "Facebook perfect" life.

I'm going to live my messy, not Pinterest-worthy, but still beautiful, wonderful life.

So here's to life!  My Labor Day toast ;)